"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."

"CandyIs dandyBut liquorIs quicker."

"The turtle lives 'twixt plated decksWhich practically conceal its sex.I think it clever of the turtleIn such a fix to be so fertile."

"When there are monsters there are miracles."

"He without benefit of scruples His fun and money soon quadruples."

"Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore."

"Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high- class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four."

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped' for, the evidence of things not seen."

"I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn."

"Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlors without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses."

"Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!"

"Dating's like going on a job interview. You don't know if you'll get the job, but if you do, you get to see the interviewee naked."